Some Mad Hope

“I wanna feel a car crash

'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside.”

This semester has been...long. I don’t really know any other way I could put it. I took a bunch of classes I didn’t really want to, probably failed one of them, and had multiple emotional crisis’. It’s exhausted me. I’m so tired, in every sense of the word. I just feel like I need to sleep for like, 7 days. Maybe all will be alright then.

"Tell me this is paradise, and not some place I fell.

Cause I keep on falling down."

I feel like I’m losing bits of myself. I love NYU, but I don’t feel as energized as I used to feel about school in high school. I think it’s because I hate my classes this semester, but we’ll see what happens next semester. If it’s the same I’ll take it from there.

“Push me 'til I have to fly

I've shed my skin, my scars

Take me deep out past the lights

Where nothing dims these stars”

I’ve made a lot of mistakes this semester and in a way I feel like I really grew up. I learned a lot in the last 4 months. About me, what I believe in, who I am on my own two feet, my limits. It’s been an interesting journey that was a long time coming. I had to fly by myself this semester. And honestly, I think I did alright. I would change so much, but I wouldn’t be able to say now that I’ve changed it I did.

“I wanna let go and know

That I'll be alright, alright."

SO see you next semester blog! Hopefully I will actually use you more often. It’s so therapeutic.

lyrics from Car Crash, Matt Nathanson

On and On

So it’s been a while since the last time I blogged. I find that there is so little time to do anything I want to do this year. It’s all work, class, homework, study. It’s kind of crazy.

I heard this story today about this kid at Rutgers who killed himself because some other kids released a video of his sexual exploits. We were talking about it in class today. One kid blamed the internet. It reminded me of Cookie Jar by Jack Johnson.

“"You can't blame me", says the singer of the song

Or the maker of the movie which he based his life on.

"It's only entertainment and as anyone can see

The smoke machines and makeup and you cant fool me"”

You can’t blame the internet. Being able to access the video was not was pushed the boy to suicide. So if not the internet was it the kid who originally recorded it?

“Well "You can't blame me", says the media man

Well "I wasn't the one who came up with the plan.

I just point my camera at what the people want to see.

Man it's a two way mirror and you cant blame me."”

Yeah that asshole shouldn’t have recorded it but is it really all his fault? Would you have killed yourself if a sex tape popped up? Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian certainly didn’t. So then it’s the kids own fault?

“"It wasn't me", says the boy with the gun.

"Sure I pulled the trigger but it needed to be done

Cause life's been killing me ever since it begun.

You cant blame me cause I'm too young."”

I’m sure he would say it wasn’t his fault; that he was pressured from the outside. FML and all. But if he was stronger, if he had better friends, if circumstances were different, would he be dead?

“It was you it was me it was every man

We've all got the blood on our hands

We only receive what we demand

And if we want hell then hells what well have.”

In reality it’s a lot of little things that caused him to feel suicide was his only option. And every one of them was the same amount at fault as the others. It’s unfortunate and a little sad. But it’s true and it’s our society currently. So what do we do about it?

Songs for you, Truths for me

What happened to my imagination? I was talking to some friends about it earlier. As we got older e seemed to have lost our ability to dream up anything.

We could build a rocket,

fly to the moon

Leave Tuesday morning,

and be back for noon

There wasn't nothing,

nothing that we couldn't do

Once, when I was little

We used to think everything would work out. Then we got older and cynicism sunk in. FML and all of that. What happened to that childhood innocence?

Yeah I could dream more then

Yeah I believed more then

That the world

could only get better

It’s weird. Adults tell us we need to grow up and be responsible. But then on the flipside they remind us how sad t is that our generation has lost our of our innocence. Whose fault is that?

Used to feel so strong

Even when they tell me,

tell me I was wrong

That I can't live

in a magic world

Cause it's time

for me to grow up

That I got to be

like the rest of them

When did I start wishing I was a little kid? I used to want to grow up so I could do everything. Now that I can do everything I wish I was a kid all over again. I want the kids I see walking in the park to take off the make-up and be kids. You’ll want those years back in a short while.

So here comes the next one,

the next in line

Stay as young you can,

for the longest time

Cause those days flew by

Like a breeze

just passing through

Once, when I was little

Nimrod

So, one of the coolest people I know is leaving to go to South Africa tomorrow. He was born there and came to the US for a little while. And now it’s time to go back home. It is absolutely ridiculous how sad it was to leave his going away party knowing I may never see him in person again. We had a sharing circle at the party and EVERYONE was crying. I think the thing that got me most was the he never even realized the little things he did that made everyone love him so much. I’ll really miss him. So I dedicate this post to him, with a song of course.

Another turning point;

a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;

directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test

and don't ask why.

It's not a question

but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs

and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf

In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories

and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,

it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

Covert Affairs

Ok. People you need to look up the Indian guy from Covert Affairs. Sendhil Ramamurthy is his name. I don’t like Indians, physically. But this dude is beautiful. It’s crazy! I watched Covert Affairs yesterday by accident and now I have to watch it to see the only beautiful asian on the planet. There was this one line “He’s like the George Clooney of wherever he is from.” I died. It’s so true. Even if I don’t find George Clooney attractive, the reference is so legit. Apparently he was on Heros, but I didn't watch that show so I wouldn't know.

I just thought I would put that out there for today.

Let It Bleed

“You can't always get what you want.

But if you try, sometimes you might find

You get what you need.”

So the situation with the suitemates isn’t as bad as I thought it might be. They are kind of distant because they know each other really well and I’m the newcomer, but they aren’t mean. We had a night where they invited some of their friends over and we had tacos and I made cookies for them. We each have our sets of friends and we go our separate ways most of the day. The only thing I’m worried about is when my actual roommate moves out. They want one of their friends to move into my room. That would make things a whole lot more awkward. But I’ll deal with that as it comes.

I was worried about this week, what I was going to do with a whole 10 days of no classes. But I realized that it was a good opportunity to meet up with the friends that I haven’t seen since last semester. I haven’t had a lot of meals by myself yet. It’s also been a good time to get all my errands done. I haven’t seen some of the people I wanted to from old times, but it’s all good. I keep things moving anyway. Maybe that’s not what I need.

I think the Rolling Stones song, You Can’t Always Get What You Want, as my motto for the year. What I really want may not be the thing that I really need.

The Reminder

So I’m officially back in NYU! Woot! Got here at 10 AM, and after a long day of craziness I’m finally settled in. (It’s 7:35 by the way!)

I’m prepared more this year. “I know more than I knew before.” It’s funny to lock back and realize how little you really knew about what you thought that you knew. “I don’t know what I knew before, but now I know I wanna win the war.”

So on to other subjects. My new roommate is actually really nice. Some of the people that I talked to who knew her said otherwise. “And lies divide, lies divide.” I’m glad I didn’t listen to what the others said. You have to form your own opinions if you want the most out of a relationship. As for my other two suitemates…well I don’t know yet. We’ll have to wait and see.

Lyrics by Feist, I feel it All

Mama's Gun

I don’t understand why these kinds of things keep happening to me.

“Oh why world?

Why world

Do you want me to be so mad? Yeah”

I haven’t even gotten to the city yet and someone is already fixin to throw cow shit at the fan I’m standing underneath. My suitemate, that just decided to get in contact with me two hours ago, wants me to move out of my spot in the dorm so her friends can come in. I was nice to her when I responded with a resounding no, but who knows how much father this might go. She says my actual roommate wants to move out, which she hasn't told me, and that her friends mom works in housing and can make the switch before move in. Who does this?

“I'm tellin' you the truth

I hope I'm not being too cruel

Since you ain't playing by the rules

I'm 'bout to kick you off your stool”

Honey, your friends live in Carlyle, which is two minutes away. Just go visit them. Don’t try and get your way with me. I don’t play that. I like where I am. I'm not going to drop everything I have going so you can live with people you'll see everyday anyway. Get over yourself.

“Oh why can't we get along and

Take all the funky tones

And make up a funky song

That be bangin on and on”

I don’t understand why this has to start already. I had enough drama with my roommates last year! Why?!

Lyrics by Erykah Badu, Penitentiary Philosophy

Anjulie

So I realized I’m way too busy doing nothing to be able to post during the summer. But the school year is coming back around and I’ feeling the need to get back into the swing of things. I’m ready to be back in NYC! This year I have to do a lot of things, but getting better grades is high on the priority list. That and finding a new gay friend (or multiples) and having more of a life. One can’t study all the time! Except maybe I should if I want better grades…

“Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun. Behind my eyes there lives a me that I’ve been hiding for much too long.” (India. Arie – Strength, courage , and wisdom)

The time to kick my horrible high school habits was last year, but better late than never. My dad told me this summer that I needed to get my priorities straight; that I wasn’t focused on the right thing and psychology wasn’t a real career. He said I was just confused about what I wanted to do with my life.

“Some people say I don’t know my way; I cant find my place and my dreams are much too big for the head they’re in. ‘When you gonna give it all up?’ I’m stranded in my own world. I’m going nowhere. I thought you knew me better.”

It’s hard to hear from a parent, no matter how estranged you are from them, that you basically suck. If I was any less prideful I would be hurt. But right now all I can say is fuck you.

“Boy I hear what you’ve been playing at your radio,

but I’ve been bumping something special through my head phones.

You can say I’m dumb,

say what I’m doing is wrong,

say it at the top of your lungs.

Boy don’t you underestimate me”

Majority of lyrics from Anjulie, The Day Will Soon Come

Patrick & Eugene, Don't Stop

Love this song!!!!

Avenue Q

This is a really old post cause I wrote it on the train but then didn’t have internet to post it and then forgot afterwards… Well here it is anyway!

So I’m off to NYC for the day. Going to see a Broadway show, or off Broadway, then hang out with some friends. I know all the lyrics to all of the songs from the show I’m going to see even though I’ve never actually seen it. Oh how I do love musicals, especially ones with raunchy puppets!

It’s a rainy, pooppy day out and it kind of sucks. I really hate rain. It makes my knees hurt a lot. And today I have to walk around in it all day. And it’s too hot for rain boots. Well at least I can laugh at people waiting for the train in the rain. “don'tcha feel all warm and cozy, watching people out in the rain?”

A little taste of Avenue Q for everyone!

Vacation is over and it’s back to real life….well almost.

Brushfire Fairytales

I have quite a few pet peeves but there is one that bothers me one hundred times more than any of the others. I HATE being late at other peoples expenses. My mother, as we prepared to go on this vacation meant to de stress everyone, took her sweet damn time. We didn’t even have to leave early that morning, we were to leave at noon, but she couldn’t even accomplish that. I do not see why not. She was up and out of the house by 8 to run errands and back by ten. But she decided to do stupid shit until 11:15 and then decide she had to dye her hair and take a shower and finish packing and pay bills. I cannot stand that shit. Just do what you need to do and stop the bullshit. Then she’s yelling at me for trying to get her out of the house in a timely manner. And after shes done yelling she apologizes for yelling and tells me I’m right. And she’ll try to finish. “And I know that when she said she's gonna try, well it might not work because of other ties.”

I feel like my time is being wasted and unappreciated. I have to be the one to make the itinerary, fix the virus from the home desktop, get directions to all the places we are going, pack me and the toiletries for the family, pay HER bills, and clean the house. But I did it with time to spare. It frustrates me so much. And now I’m stressed and on top of the horrible allergy symptoms that have been plaguing me for the last three days I feel a migraine coming on from her shit. Thanks mom, thanks a lot. I can’t stand you either.

“Just like a tree down by the water baby I shall not move

Even after all the silly things you do

Please please please don't drag me

Please please please don't drag me

Please please please don't drag me down”

Lyrics: Jack Johnson, “Flake”

WORLD CUP!!!

Hey What' s up blog. I'll be writing some short updates because it's WORLD CUP TIME!!! Today it's Bofana Bofana (south Africa) and Uruguay that I'm rooting for. SA is playing Mexico and Uruguay is playing France. I hate France. So go Bofana Bofana and Uruguay!

When I Look to the Sky

These last few days have really been the vacation I needed. I’m currently in Ardsely, NY. It’s only two and a half hours away from home but it’s amazing the world of difference that being down here has done for me. I came to escape my mother for a few days and it’s seems I have found the bits and pieces of me that I had left behind when I left this sleepy town four years ago.

The most important thing by far was that I got the special opportunity to rekindle a relationship that I thought I had lost forever. And it couldn’t have come at a better time. The last few weeks with my mother have really gotten me down, depressed almost. “Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly.” Growing up he was my best friend, my big brother, my confidante. I don’t think there was a person on this earth who knew me better than he did at our peak. His name is Dan by the way. (I won’t make up a fake name for him just incase he ever reads this.) Dan had moved up to the Albany area, not too far from me, to go to school there but after a few months he went back downstate. We lost communication, not for lack of trying on my part. I felt really hurt and kind of resentful as well. Truthfully, I was mad at him until the moment I noticed he was at the bridal shower of some mutual friends yesterday. You know when people say that there are those people that they just cant stay mad at? He is definitely that person for me. He gave me the biggest hug and the fist thing he asked once we started talking was if I was mad at him. How crazy. I lied and said no at first but he got the truth out eventually.

I shouldn’t say it’s a rekindling of a friendship because we have both changed so much from the people we were two years ago. It’s more like starting all over again. The party I was dreading going to for days was the one thing I needed to pick myself back up off the ground. “But with you I can spread my wings to see me over everything that life may send me when I am hoping it won't pass me by.”

We talked about all of the things that were bothering us and it was such a release. Once again there was someone who understood where I was coming from when no one else seemed to. “And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me, there you are to show me.”

I met a lot of people that I hadn’t seen in years, and I also found some new faces to add to my small little collection of friends. And it’s only two days into this vacation. I still have three more days left. So I’ll wait and see where the week leads me.

I dedicate this to Dan. Thanks.

(lyrics by Train – When I look to the Sky”

Eye to the Telescope

It’s been awhile. It’s been a busy couple of weeks. I studied my ass off for finals, took the finals, moved out of NYC and up to Albany, visited with friends up here, went to a bridal shower downstate, attended that brides wedding in NJ, picked up my sister from school in Connecticut, and now I’m back in Albany. For a few hours anyway. I’m headed back to NYC to visit some friends and go to yet another bridal shower. On top of all that I’m still looking for a job!

While in Albany I’ve been spending a lot of time with my mom. My mom and I have clashing personalities. I just get so annoyed with her so fast over the stupidest little things. The last few weeks have been hard on her and she’s been taking it out on me. “It isn’t very difficult to see why you are the way you are. It’s doesn’t take a genius to realize that sometimes life is hard.” I know things are tough but passive aggressive behavior doesn’t solve it. It just makes it harder for everyone else. I know that things will get better but right now I just want her to leave me alone. I need a break from my own mother. I figured that by going away for college things would get better, but they haven’t. “And I don’t want to hear you tell yourself that these feelings are in the past. You know it doesn’t mean they are off the shelf because pain is built to last.” Hopefully, one day soon, we’ll both ‘heal over.’

“Come over here lady

Let me wipe your tears away

Come a little nearer baby

Coz you'll heal over

Heal over

Heal over someday”

Lyrics by KT Tunstall – Heal Over

Live Like We're Dying

Who the hell stays up until 10 AM? Jay decided that she was going to get drunk last night. And that’s not that abnormal seeing as she does it every weekend now. But then she came in at 10AM making all the noise in the world. And to make matters worse, she called Pee at 7:30, drunk, talking about how she was at some dudes house in Midtown having breakfast. We were all freaked out that she had gotten raped or was in trouble but when we confronted her about it later she said it was an accident. There is no way that was an accident. She probably doesn’t remember calling. It’s really a damn shame. She used to be such a nice girl. We got to “live like we’re dying” not actually kill ourselves.

Finals are coming up and at first I decided that I would hole myself up and study for the next five days. But I refuse to do that. It’ll just make me depressed. And I need the distractions otherwise after a few hours I waste time. “Every second counts on a clock that's tickin'.” I’ll take all the distractions as they come. It’ll keep me on track. And I work better under pressure anyway.

Survivor

The dude I’ve been ‘hanging out’ with, Doug, got a girlfriend today. I’m kind of bummed, kind of not. He’s cheating on her so I guess he’s really a scum ball, but he’s so damn hot. And I’m not the one he’s cheating on. I don’t think it’ll last very long. This is the guy who liked the facebook group “Exes that made you think you were drunk the whole time.” I do semi feel badly for her. Although she’s already playing the bitchy obsessive girlfriend, so maybe I feel bad for him?

I have officially nine more days of NYU; freshman year. And about five of those days will be spent studying my ass off. It’s crazy to me, that nine days left and I still have drama to deal with. People should be making up or minding their own business, not causing drama. Pee had a show Sunday. Me and Veen went, but Jay decided she had other things to do. Keep in mind this is the chick who wants to BE Pee. Jay told P that she had to study. But she was sleeping when I left. So instead of supporting her roommate and the person she wants to pretend to be best friends with, she slept. Great. “I ain't never met a girl that does the things that you do. Change don't come your way it will come back to you.”

I went to this damn show and me and Pee are notorious on our floor for having our disagreements. But I know how it feels look into the crowd and not see someone who you know, someone who supports you. Jay is a bitch. Plain and simple. So now there is the silent treatment in the dorm. And honestly, I don’t really mind. If they aren’t talking, they aren’t talking about me.

Jay also decided to do laundry at 11 PM. It takes 2 hours to do it, minimum. Is it just me, or is that incredibly inconsiderate? Who says I want to stay up? I don’t I was up till 3AM with Doug last night and had to wake up at 6AM. I’ve been up for 17 hours with three hours of sleep. I don’t want to have to wake up every half hour to you doing laundry, with my detergent, and 1 AM. I want to go to bed. Honestly, I’d like to be in bed right now. But I have to deal with inconsiderate roommates. What happened to doing laundry at a normal hour? Jay, “For women like me who try to have some integrity, you make it hard. For girls like myself who respect themselves and have dignity.” Guess some people aren't the sweet girls you thought they were.

Lyrics courtesy of Destiny's Child, Nasty Girl

Botanical Gardens

Just some pics I took:

Save Me, San Francisco

So I can’t really tell what kind of mood I’m in today. Normally the kind of music I listen to reflects how I’m feeling, but today it was all over the place. I listened to some Sean Paul, Spice Girls, Cheryl Cole, John Mayer, Santogold. It’s been a weird music day. But the actual day was pretty normal. How utterly boring.

This weekend, though it has yet to happen, will be the start of my 10 days of hell. But I will get to see some people I haven’t seen in years and I’m really excited and happy about that. It really makes me remember how much I miss my friends. And how cool is it when the people you haven’t talked to in forever pick up conversation like it was just yesterday that you last saw them? That’s the mark of a good friend they say. I don’t agree but for now it works.

This random guy, a very white preppy guy might I add, on the subway was singing this:

“You're so gangsta, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of.”

So I joined in with the rest of the song. I’ll leave you with it:

"Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!


Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do tonight.


Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight."

3 Door Down

It really bothers me when people take out their bad days on you. I understand that your day sucked and you are in a shitty mood, but suck it up. That’s not my fucking problem. Be civil when you get around other people because all your bullshit serves to do is put more people in a bad mood. Stop spreading the hate, I mean damn!

Moving on...

The last few days have been really stressful. Between classes, schoolwork, out of class NYU events, studying for tests, writing four essays, taking other peoples shit, dealing with a stalker( I won’t elaborate), and planning a wedding (not my own); life has been just a little more than I can handle. I already had a bunch of grays hairs sporadically spread across my scalp but now I’m, growing a full-blown patch. If I was vain I’d be upset but, seeing as I am weird and think they are cool, it’s all good. I just don’t like the process I go through to get them. It’s been a rough week and it’s only Tuesday! I’m ready to collapse, but you got to keep on trucking.

“Cause it's not my time, I'm not going.

There's a fear in me and it's not showing.

This could be the end of me,

And everything I know, oh, but I won't go.”

- Not My Time, 3 Doors Down

I officially have 22 days left of school. And “There's a will in me and now it's gonna show.” It’s time to pull out the brakes. I have to stop procrastinating cause there is no longer any time to procrastinate! Get'r done!, as my grandpa would say.

Indiana

I’ve been sitting on the floor of the lounge in the basement of my dorm studying and, obviously, typing this since 7 AM. Last night we had seniors from high school who are coming to NYU next year staying in my dorm so I was up til 2 AM. Normally five hours of sleep would not be anywhere near enough sleep but seeing as that is more than I’ve gotten in one night for the last two months, I’m feeling good. I have a lot of energy today, which is good. I’ll need it. I seem to have more work due next week than I am capable of completing. Plus I have to do all the things they expect of me for outside of class. It’s just a lot to wrap my head around. Normally I’d be freaking out, but I feel really calm. “After all we’re only human.” I have stopped trying to comprehend the load I have to tackle and just dived right into it. Taking ample breaks along the way, of course. I haven’t really gotten much accomplished, but I feel like I have so it keeps me going. We’ll see how the rest of this week turns out for me. We’ll see if what I intend to do is actually accomplished. “All these ups and downs, they trip up our good intentions, nobody said this was an easy ride.”

As I was sitting down here this guy came in and asked me if he could run around the room. I wanted to ask him why he wasn’t running outside when it is finally not raining, but I just let him do what he needed to do. It was so odd to see someone run in circles around you while you are trying to study. But he was only there for fifteen minutes. Life in a NYC dorm! No place to be alone. Ever. Even at 7AM.

So now I must get back to work. I might include a picture later in the week of some really awesome orchids I saw being sold on the street in Union Square. If I have time! The song lyrics were from Jon McLaughlin's Human, by the way.

Put Your Records On

This morning was a deceiving morning. It looked like it would be a beautiful spring dress kind of day, but then you step outside and it’s cold and windy.

This morning was also a wonderful beginning. I slept in, then made plans for later, then got food and set on my way. I went out to Central Park and took some really cool pictures of people. It’s like people watching to the extreme, taking pictures in Central Park. There so many people doing so many things, wearing so many things, talking about so many things. It’s really a nice place to be on a Sunny day. I got lost around the area and found this cute little café. It was great. I had the most delicious pomegranate white tea. I was “sipping tea in a bar by the roadside, just relaxed, just relaxed.”

Tomorrow my RA is hosting a day out a well. My roommates all think it’s stupid and “who would want to go to that shit” but that’s why they are so isolated from the floor. Plus, it’s free food! Why the hell wouldn’t I want to go! So I signed up. It should be fun because I absolutely love my RA and I get to eat and I get to know people from my dorm all at the same time. It’s lie killing three birds with one stone! Well, I think the saying is two birds but I have three to kill so I’m going to say what I want. “You don’t even have to try any longer, do what you want to.” And do what I want. So what if Pee thinks tomorrow will be stupid.

Right now I’m listening to music in my dorm and waiting for later plans to start. I had two hours so I thought I’d write this before the day was out for once. I’m pulling a Corinne Bailey Rae right now. “Girl put your records on, tell me your favorite song. Just go ahead let your hair down.”

Continuum

Another day, another blog. I figure I have to keep up to date with my blogging because I have a follower now. My one follower would kick my ass if I weren’t consistent, especially since she lives a few blocks away from me, lol. Today will be mostly updates about stuff from past polls.

So the whole issue with Pee is resolved. She isn’t being a bitch and I’m not being sued. It all worked out in the end. She even cleaned the bathroom while I was in class, although Jay had to do the dishes. (LMFAO)

Mr. Man is still around, though not as frequently because he lives so far away from me. But he comes to visit my part of town every once in a while and we, ahem, do things together.

Jay’s snoring has gotten considerably worse from when we first started rooming together. It has gotten to the point where I can’t even properly sleep because I can hear her through my earplugs. I had to sleep on the couch last night. Mind you the couch is about two feet wide and half a foot deep. I’m 5’6. Suggestions for good earplug brands anyone?

Lately I’ve been feeling kind of overwhelmed. It’s not like an academic problem, more like a combination of things that make me feel like I can’t keep afloat. My older friend is in Africa for her job and while she was her son got kicked out of his school. She asked me to help him and of course I said yes, because I love her so much but it’s hard. He lives in Scarsdale, which is 40 minutes away on a train, and needs to be tutored at least three times a week to keep him up to date. Then I have the usual crazy load of work for NYU, trying to have a social life, looking for a summer job, you know the deal. I’ve never been one to settle for just getting by so I’m like “How do I stop myself from being just a number?” I want to stand out in what I do, but I also want to just survive. But “I’ll come through, like I do, when the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me.”

I’ll be fine. Besides that’s what friends are for; to help us survive during our hysterical moments. I’ll let John Mayer put it all together for me and finish it out,

“Down to the wire

I wanted water but

But I'll walk through the fire

If this is what it takes

To take me even higher

Then I'll come through

Like I do

When the world keeps

Testing me, testing me,testing me.”

Animal

So I haven’t written in a while. It’s not that I’ve been particularly busy with anything significant, just more significant than this blog. Oh well, I’m updating now.

Spring break was last week and, even though that was awesome, I’m glad to be back. I missed the noise when I go to sleep, although not my roommates snoring.

On to more interesting things...

There is this dude, I will give him the name Bobbert, who has a seemingly odd obsession with me. We met through mutual friends at a brunch. He was nice so it didn’t bother me that they invited him, but then THEY GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. They paid dearly for that, but back to the topic at hand. He’s been texting me non-stop. And he is so sweet it’s sickening. And to add the frosting to the cupcake, he lied to me. And it was an absolutely retarded lie. Bobbert told he that he was eight years younger than he actually is. To make matters worse, he looks about five years older than he actually is. I can appreciate a good lie. This one sucked. It said his actual birthdate on his facebook. The fact that he didn’t think I’d notice annoys me more than the lie. I was like “dude, really?” I really want to tell him to hit on a chick his actual age and stop being a class A pedophile, but I think I’ll let Ke$ha do it:

“D-I-N-O-S-A-U-R a dinosaur

D-I-N-O-S-A-U-R a dinosaur

An O-L-D M-A-N you're just an old man

Hittin' on me, what?

You need a cat scan”

Thank you Ke$ha and Bobbert, for collaborating together to provide me with a funny blog entry.

Anuhea

I’m sitting in the student study lounge on the 9^th floor of Kimmel. There are these big windows along one of the walls that face uptown (i.e. the empire state building direction). It’s midday and it’s really cool to look out the window at the view. I can see all of the people toughing out the cold weather in Washington Square Park, the taxi’s for miles up 5^th Ave, the row of town houses that Jude law lives in and such. The skyline is amazing.

I get this tranquil feeling as I sit up here. I’m supposed to be doing work right now, I have to write an essay for Monday, but I would much rather relax and look out the window. There are people all around me and you can hear everyone steadily tapping away at their laptop keyboards, including me. Or you woud hear it if you didn’t have headphones in. It’s one of the most claming places on NYU’s campus. It helps me remember the significant things in life…

I was walking to campus from my dorm yesterday and this random homeless guy on the street told me something. It was probably the most profound this that I could have heard today. He said that the world could be cold but to keep on smiling. And then he walked away. It was so bizarre, but very cool. It reminded me of a line from one of my favorite songs by a very unknown artist named Anhuea. “And you trust in all of your memories, cause you learn from your mistakes. And your life will hold all the answers to where you will lay. And the world can be so cold and null, so keep warm inside that smile. Just commit yourself to your happiness. When it rains you will cry, and on and on endlessly you try.” And it reminded me of earlier this week. I saw a girl crying in the rain. Odd right?

Rise

I realized today that two months from now I will be done with my freshman year at NYU. It’s almost sad, but it is also exciting. I have been through all the crap that freshman year has to offer me. Now it’s time to move on. It’s so weird to think about it. I feel like I just got to college but in reality I’ve been in the trenches for quite a few months now. I know what it is that has to be done to better my years here. I know what I did wrong and how to fix it. I know how much more effort needs to go in to what areas of my life, and where I need to lay off a bit. It’s a weird, but also really cool feeling. I’m just finally ready to leave the old stuff behind and start anew. And I still have two months to go.

This week I’ve also decided to work on my friendships. I assume, oftentimes, that even if I’m too busy to call or keep in touch, they’ll be there. I’ve learned that isn’t the case with everyone. With a lot of friends it has proved true, and I realize who my true friends are, but with most they fade away into a number on my Facebook page. I’ve decided to pick a few friends that I value the most and attempt to stay close to them. And to develop the relationships with the people I neglected to know that well, if they will let me. All the rest will have to go. I need a closer base of people; people who make me laugh, stroke my hair when I cry, and tell me I’m didn’t do anything wrong even when the government is sues me for copyright infringement. (The copyright infringement part isn’t true…yet.)

So I don’t have a clever song line to fill in today. I’ll just use a song I’ve really been enjoying lately; Tom Goss: Rise

“Today your face,

it slips away,

but in a dream I’ll find,

everything,

worth wondering,

truth to fuel this live.

Now it’s time to say goodbye, and to leave our skins behind.


Let the dusk, drain the sun and rise.

Falling feet,

a vacant street,

choose a path to run.


Tenderness,

this lovers kiss,

simply said and sung.

Now it’s time to say goodbye, and to leave our skins behind.


Let the dusk, drain the sun and rise.

And you’ll fill all the voids that you long to, if you ever come back down.
 Won’t you ever come back down?

Still looking back,

past’s steady laugh,

shadow clings and fights.


Stubbornness,

a patient kiss,

bids a child goodnight.

Now it’s time to say goodbye, and to leave our skins behind.


Let the dusk, drain the sun and rise.”