When I Look to the Sky

These last few days have really been the vacation I needed. I’m currently in Ardsely, NY. It’s only two and a half hours away from home but it’s amazing the world of difference that being down here has done for me. I came to escape my mother for a few days and it’s seems I have found the bits and pieces of me that I had left behind when I left this sleepy town four years ago.

The most important thing by far was that I got the special opportunity to rekindle a relationship that I thought I had lost forever. And it couldn’t have come at a better time. The last few weeks with my mother have really gotten me down, depressed almost. “Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly.” Growing up he was my best friend, my big brother, my confidante. I don’t think there was a person on this earth who knew me better than he did at our peak. His name is Dan by the way. (I won’t make up a fake name for him just incase he ever reads this.) Dan had moved up to the Albany area, not too far from me, to go to school there but after a few months he went back downstate. We lost communication, not for lack of trying on my part. I felt really hurt and kind of resentful as well. Truthfully, I was mad at him until the moment I noticed he was at the bridal shower of some mutual friends yesterday. You know when people say that there are those people that they just cant stay mad at? He is definitely that person for me. He gave me the biggest hug and the fist thing he asked once we started talking was if I was mad at him. How crazy. I lied and said no at first but he got the truth out eventually.

I shouldn’t say it’s a rekindling of a friendship because we have both changed so much from the people we were two years ago. It’s more like starting all over again. The party I was dreading going to for days was the one thing I needed to pick myself back up off the ground. “But with you I can spread my wings to see me over everything that life may send me when I am hoping it won't pass me by.”

We talked about all of the things that were bothering us and it was such a release. Once again there was someone who understood where I was coming from when no one else seemed to. “And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me, there you are to show me.”

I met a lot of people that I hadn’t seen in years, and I also found some new faces to add to my small little collection of friends. And it’s only two days into this vacation. I still have three more days left. So I’ll wait and see where the week leads me.

I dedicate this to Dan. Thanks.

(lyrics by Train – When I look to the Sky”

Eye to the Telescope

It’s been awhile. It’s been a busy couple of weeks. I studied my ass off for finals, took the finals, moved out of NYC and up to Albany, visited with friends up here, went to a bridal shower downstate, attended that brides wedding in NJ, picked up my sister from school in Connecticut, and now I’m back in Albany. For a few hours anyway. I’m headed back to NYC to visit some friends and go to yet another bridal shower. On top of all that I’m still looking for a job!

While in Albany I’ve been spending a lot of time with my mom. My mom and I have clashing personalities. I just get so annoyed with her so fast over the stupidest little things. The last few weeks have been hard on her and she’s been taking it out on me. “It isn’t very difficult to see why you are the way you are. It’s doesn’t take a genius to realize that sometimes life is hard.” I know things are tough but passive aggressive behavior doesn’t solve it. It just makes it harder for everyone else. I know that things will get better but right now I just want her to leave me alone. I need a break from my own mother. I figured that by going away for college things would get better, but they haven’t. “And I don’t want to hear you tell yourself that these feelings are in the past. You know it doesn’t mean they are off the shelf because pain is built to last.” Hopefully, one day soon, we’ll both ‘heal over.’

“Come over here lady

Let me wipe your tears away

Come a little nearer baby

Coz you'll heal over

Heal over

Heal over someday”

Lyrics by KT Tunstall – Heal Over

Live Like We're Dying

Who the hell stays up until 10 AM? Jay decided that she was going to get drunk last night. And that’s not that abnormal seeing as she does it every weekend now. But then she came in at 10AM making all the noise in the world. And to make matters worse, she called Pee at 7:30, drunk, talking about how she was at some dudes house in Midtown having breakfast. We were all freaked out that she had gotten raped or was in trouble but when we confronted her about it later she said it was an accident. There is no way that was an accident. She probably doesn’t remember calling. It’s really a damn shame. She used to be such a nice girl. We got to “live like we’re dying” not actually kill ourselves.

Finals are coming up and at first I decided that I would hole myself up and study for the next five days. But I refuse to do that. It’ll just make me depressed. And I need the distractions otherwise after a few hours I waste time. “Every second counts on a clock that's tickin'.” I’ll take all the distractions as they come. It’ll keep me on track. And I work better under pressure anyway.